Simplicity In Relationships and Love
“Even when we have no idea where we are or where we’re going, with the right map, we can find our way back to our heart and to our truest self.”
-“Atlas of the Heart” by Brené Brown
I’m a very lucky man, I’m married to an extremely capable, strong, understanding, and beautiful Wife, and We have a vibrant, intelligent, strong willed, and amazing Daughter!
That being said there was a time in my life that I’ve told myself that they would be better off without me. I’ve told myself that I was not worthy of their love. During those dark days I used to tell myself and them that I couldn’t handle the “Job” of Father and Husband.
“When life becomes too complicated and we feel overwhelmed, it’s often useful just to stand back and remind ourselves of our overall purpose, our overall goal. When faced with a feeling of stagnation and confusion, it may be helpful to take an hour, an afternoon, or even several days to simply reflect on what it is that will truly bring us happiness, and then reset our priorities on the basis of that. This can put our life back in proper context, allow a fresh perspective, and enable us to see which direction to take.”
-“The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama
I would be in so much pain and they would be wanting more and more from me, so I would lose my temper. Later I would learn that the problem wasn’t their high expectations of me despite my continual pain, but that I wasn’t communicating my condition properly and I wasn’t making my boundaries clear enough. After I decided not to end it All on the darkest day of my life I had a couple months to think about what direction I wanted to take my life while I was Inpatient. I decided that I couldn’t leave my Wife and Daughter, but I also knew some things had to change. Every day during groups I worked on how I would communicate better with my Wife and Daughter.
“Hatred never ceases by hatred; it only ceases by love.”
-“Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening” by Joseph Goldstein
Communication is a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. It’s very important to communicate clearly and respectfully and to make sure everyone understands what was communicated. The most important thing about communication is everyone has to be willing to listen, it must be in everyone’s best interest to listen and everyone should feel comfortable and safe to express their feelings and thoughts.
I also learned that if something doesn’t feel right in an exchange there is usually something that needs to be discussed and if the other person gets offended or mad and isn’t willing to listen or talk about what’s bothering Me there is something wrong with the relationship.
Over the last couple of years I’ve learned a lot about having healthy boundaries especially with the Ones I’m closest to and love the most. Loving Someone doesn’t give that Person the right to order Me around and if Someone loves Me I don’t have the right to order them around. Of course there are some exceptions, like if We have a young child and they have to go to their yearly dentist appointment and they don’t want to go. My Wife and I have to occasionally remind Our Daughter that it is Our “job” to keep Us, Her, and Our Pets Healthy and Alive, which means that sometimes We have to do things that We don’t want to.
When I got home We had a family discussion. It basically boiled down to We are All We have in the whole world so We need to be positive, kind, helpful, uplifting, and patient with Each Other because the alternative is not acceptable. The three of Us have the power and control to choose. Luckily We were All willing to listen and communicate with Each Other. We decided to be helpful with Each Other in reaching Our goals and clearly communicated Our limitations. This was very important for Me because of My disabilities and my Wife because She had a lot more responsibilities because of My disabilities.
We decided to come together at the beginning of every month and talk about Our goals, what is expected of Us, and how We can help each other out. My Wife and Daughter are the most important people in My life, their happiness is All that matters!
Extended family and close friends are also important and I’ve found that healthy boundaries and clarified expectations are key.
Sometimes We have family or friends that don’t respect Our boundaries and they don’t want to communicate about changing the dynamics of the relationship. We feel exhausted, sad, or even used after every interaction with them. They get angry, manipulative, or mean when We say “No” to any of their requests. These people are Toxic, and sometimes We have to distance Ourselves from them, especially if they refuse to respect Our boundaries. This can be difficult and sad to do, but We have the right to say “No.” We don’t even need to give a reason. If a person is capable of doing a thing they should not be expecting Us to do that thing for them. Of course if We are parents to young children, taking care of elderly parents, or are getting paid to work for someone the rules kind of change, I would recommend clarifying what is expected and setting up very clear boundaries. If they continually disrespect and cross over your boundaries it may be time to look for other arrangements.
We have to accept that We’ll never be good enough for the Toxic People. Whether that is going to be Our problem or theirs is up to Us. We have to remember that Our special life is for Us, and Our purpose has nothing to do with the opinions of others. When We have been hurt We often shrink and run for safety. We can’t allow others to make Us feel small and unworthy.
“I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am the Now. I Am.”
-“Stillness Speaks” by Eckhart Tolle
We came to this world to grow and to explore, and to touch the miracles and marvels of life!
Our suffering needs to be respected. We shouldn’t try to ignore the pain, because the pain is real. Instead, let the pain prove there is hope through Our healing. Let the pain soften Us instead of hardening Us. Let the pain open Us instead of closing Us. Let the pain deliver Us to love, and not to hate.
Some people are critical of everyone, not just Us, so We must try to not take it too personally. They are so unhappy in their own life that their only pleasure is in dragging other people down. Know that We’ll never please everyone, and that whoever hurts Us just happens to be one of those people. Once We understand and accept this, it will be easier to let go of the Toxic People and move on.
We All deserve to be happy and healthy!
Outside of Our nuclear families We have much more control over who We associate with, so choose wisely.
I’ve naturally began to let the negative people go and bring the positive people closer.
I’ve also learned that I can only work on myself and by working on myself I have become a better Father, Husband, Son, and Human Being.
“Too many of us are waiting for our lives to begin, putting our happiness on layaway for some future version where it all lines up, when we've accomplished it all, when we have the perfect career, bodies, partners, and when our lives finally feel “good enough.” But what is good enough?”
-“Radically Content” by Jamie Varon
Self improvement is one of the most selfless actions we can take. A person that knows the world has intelligence, but a person that knows themselves has wisdom. I can do nothing for others except work on Myself. If We genuinely love Ourselves and those around Us We should seek to become the best version of Ourselves that We can possibly be. Life is better lived when I don’t center it on what’s happening around Me and center it on what’s happening inside Me instead.
“More alarming than this, overthinking can completely warp your perception of events in time, shaping your personality in ways that mean you are more risk averse, more negatively focused and less resilient. When you’re constantly tuned into Stress FM you are not actually consciously aware and available in the present moment to experience life as it is. You miss out on countless potential feelings of joy, gratitude, connection and creativity because of your relentless focus on what could go wrong, or what has gone wrong.”
-“Stop Overthinking” by Nick Trenton
I’ve been working on myself and my inner peace and I’ve come to realize that not reacting to every little thing that bothers Me is the first ingredient to living a happy and healthy life. I’ve learned to move away from hate and towards love.
I’ve expressed love when I’ve allowed My most vulnerable and powerful self to be deeply seen and known by My family and friends.
Love is not something I give or get, but something that I nurture and grow. Love is a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them. I can only love others as much as I love Myself.
Love is about learning how to be proud of the person We are evolving into.
Love is about embracing the beauty and the depth that exists in trying for something while We are here.
Love is about honoring Our hearts.
The truest, and most honest, extension of love exists in the way We learn how to love Ourselves, exists in the way We learn how to be compassionate towards the parts of Ourselves, and Our journey, that no one else claps for.
Love exists in the way We fight to be here, in the way We crash Our hearts into this world. Love is about being Our own strength, being Our own safe place.
Love is about finally learning how to give Ourselves the same love We so beautifully give to others.
Love is about embracing the person We are becoming, and believing in Our hearts, on even Our hardest of days.
I have remembered how to be loving again and how to feel that joy and warmth again!
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